Defrosted ice spreads like cancer.

"Rain, rain go away come again another day. All the world is waiting for the sun." - Breaking Benjamin.

Humans are animals, biologically speaking. Animals run. Humans run too. We run from predators. We run out of fear of the bad. But then we differ from other animals in that the fear we run from is occasionally the fear of something good happening. The fear of a positive force that might capture us. Hold us captive. And then like a genetically modified nail, hammer itself into our skulls, penetrating into our minds and finally give us that tiny spec of hope. Causing us to believe that good things exist. That good things happen. That they happen by themselves. Without superficial aids. Without hallucinations. Without lies. The deeper the nail gets into our head the more brainwashed we become. Then the whole positivity process begins. We wake up smiling. Go to bed smiling. Sing in the shower. Hate the songs that have deep meanings. Feel a constant sense of euphoria. Laugh out of nothing. And of course, let the sun shine through any rainy day. We'll be the sun for others. We'll leave them behind when they turn into rain because we don't understand them. We don't want to understand them because that will bring us to that cold patch in the back of our minds. The patch that remained frozen despite our current state of warmth. That patch will remind us that we too felt like rain. We too acted like the rain, pushing away the sun. This will make us think. The big smiles on our faces will start to fade but now it's too late. Everyone around us has gotten used to us being the sun. So as our euphoria escapes us with every breath we exhale, we become more hollow. But being that we are currently the sun, we keep that smile on our face. Our cheeks start to hurt. The smile starts to bore us- but we keep it on because we don't want others to know how we feel. We think that supergluing the paper smile to our lips will stop it from withering away. It will trap the last bit of hope we still have in the warm blood of our sunny hearts. But it doesn't. We keep getting more hollow. The cold patch in our minds starts to defrost, it's icy waters filling us, travelling to our hearts. We reach complete emptiness. The cold water condeses and clouds up the blood in our core, making it harder for us to portray emotion. Making it harder for us to feel. The defrosted ice spreads like a cancer through our bodies, infiltrating our souls too. Our acquaintances, who previously seemed like rain to us, morph into the sun as our eyes get blurry- In reality it is us who are changing not them- We fall back into the deep pit of feelinglessness. Of numbness. And then we start to run all over again. We run out of fear of the positivity hurting us again. It starts to look like a scimitar; bright, shiny, cold, hurtful and blunt in all of it's severe sharpness.

The cycle then starts again. The running. The bumping into. The feelings. The fading. The emptiness. The running.

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

Halluni.

Kull hoss dagharitli go mohhi
bhal xi ljun lest ghall pranzu.
L-ghasafar izekzku vjolentament,
ilsienhom twil ihabbatli fuq widnejja
bhal xi id kiesha u krudili.
Il-karozzi ghaddejin bhal tanek tal-gwerra;
Jiddisturbaw il paci u jqacctu 'l-ftit sanita' li qaghad baqali.
U n-nisa jippassiggaw bit tkaken itektku
b'kull pass jghafgulek mohhok.
Bhal xi sikkina diehla go fik;
bil mod il mod TOQTLOK.

This is first poem i've ever tried wiritng in Maltese. I'm quite proud of it actually, but on the other apologies for any spelling or wrong grammitcal imput.

Peace and Love,
Torii xoxo

There's always something else.

I don't need you.
I crave you.
You make my day.
I want to hate you.
You're everywhere.
I need to get away.
I need to escape.
I need to find a way out.
I need let go.
You need to let me go.
We live on needs.
And wants.
Desires,
Thoughts
and depictions.
They always smile.
And we find a reason not to.
There's always something else.
Something to make us think-
To make us wonder.
To make us feel.
To make us numb.
To make us hollow.
To make us blank.
To make us hurt.
But then again,
You're still standing there.
You won't let me let go.

Please do.

Peace and Love,
Torii xoxo

Blank faces. Blank smiles.

Things change, i get it. I'm alright with that. I can move on- I can detach myself. But what i don't get is how you can just ignore me like that. One day you're up at one in the morning talking to me and then suddenly you just stop talking to me. You look at me as though im a cloud. You ignore me while acknowledging me at the same time. Why? All I need.. All I want is a reason. Just tell me why and let me move on!

I'm good at moving on. I always have been. But when you don't give me a reason to, i just don't manage. No matter how desperate i am to do so. I mean, you randomly find any excuse possible to talk to me and you talk to me for hours telling me about things which have nothing to do with me, let alone my general interests and now. Now it's just blank.

Blank faces. Blank smiles. Blank small talk. Blank feelings. Blank thoughts. Blank everything.

I miss how stuff used to be. When you'd pointlessly text me to tell me about how awesome it is abroad, when you'd comment on page just to try and make me go out that evening, when you'd spend hours chatting with me over msn and sending me music and above all when you'd talk to me.

Anywho, i'm off

Peace and Love
Torii xo.

But no one believed her.

What i have written below is a fragment. A guinnea pig. I might continue it, I might not.

"This evening, ladies and gentlemen, I would like you welcome our latest addition". Everyone in the circle clapped, some even whistled, at the young lady sitting in the north/west edge of the circle. She stood up and pushed a brown, wavy lock of hair behind her ear, flattened her black pencil skirt and introduced herself as the people around her quietened.
"Hi, I'm Ella-" She paused for a bit, trying to calm her nerves, and then her naturally hoarse voice continued "I'm 18, from Camden Town: I hear voices in my head, ugh different versions of my own?" With blaring cheeks, Ella sat down again and got back to staring at her feet as everyone resumed clapping.
"Thank you for sharing that with us, Ella," the dark skinned group instructor smiled, cleared her throat and resumed "Liam, perhaps you'd like to start today's session" "Yer, sure" He replied. "Very well then, how are you feeling this week? Any better?"
"Good evening, I'm Liam. This week i've minimized..." Liam, at age 20, was slightly on the tall side, had several interesting tattoos, and multiple piercings including a Septum, 14mm Flesh tunnel on his left ear, and an Industrial done on his right. He was there due to drug addiction, mainly L S D along with some other mild narcotics.

Let's leave it at that for the time being.

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

I don't care that you care that i don't care about what you care about.

I'm not joking.
And you don't make me laugh.
You barely make me smile,
I have to force one out.
So stop going on about your crap.
I'm not interested.
I don't care how you feel-
This is how i feel.
Deal with it.
Get over it.
I don't care about what you care about.
I'm not interested in what you say.
Stop faking everything-
Learn to be you.
Or at least learn who 'you' is.
Yes, 'is' not 'are' as it's a state of being.
Just shut up in general.
And leave me alone.
Honestly.

I just thought you should know that.

Peace and love,
Torii xo.

Ps. if you really don't get anything i said, just look up the color green. That's why i used it.

Dead March

I haven't written in quite a while now, so I thought I'd update the page with some more of my pessimism. Wohoo.

I don't know what's wrong me, I'm just feeling angry all the time. Just as though there's someone whispering cold words into my soul, taking my feelings and emotions out of me and just freezing them. Replacing everything with anger. With nothingness. Any form of 'happiness' is just fading off, withering away and turning to nonexistence. I miss being young, when nothing would bother me and everything made me happy. And the happiness would remain. Nothing could take it away. But now my mind is full of thought. And reasons. And questions. And little unnecessary details. And my soul is hollow.

Malta sickens me. The people around me do too. And i feel like there is no point or sense in certain things. But here i am ranting on and not doing anything about it. The fact is i tried. Nothing works. Nothing changes my mood. My feelings. I need to leave, get away from everything. Everyone. The people who crowd my mind and the thoughts that form a thick mist, blurring everything around them.

Sail that Ship Alone by the Architects- perfect description of what I'm feeling. Or rather what I'm not. The song is repetitive, expressing the same emotion. It remains equal the further in it goes and just quietens out at the end. There is no singing in it, just some haunting noises lingering on. Tinging it with further void and confusion. It feels overall sepulchral and never ending. As though there is nothing that can change the constant descending cavity it is digging.

Anywho, I'm going to read a little now.

Peace and Love,
Torii xo