Dead March

I haven't written in quite a while now, so I thought I'd update the page with some more of my pessimism. Wohoo.

I don't know what's wrong me, I'm just feeling angry all the time. Just as though there's someone whispering cold words into my soul, taking my feelings and emotions out of me and just freezing them. Replacing everything with anger. With nothingness. Any form of 'happiness' is just fading off, withering away and turning to nonexistence. I miss being young, when nothing would bother me and everything made me happy. And the happiness would remain. Nothing could take it away. But now my mind is full of thought. And reasons. And questions. And little unnecessary details. And my soul is hollow.

Malta sickens me. The people around me do too. And i feel like there is no point or sense in certain things. But here i am ranting on and not doing anything about it. The fact is i tried. Nothing works. Nothing changes my mood. My feelings. I need to leave, get away from everything. Everyone. The people who crowd my mind and the thoughts that form a thick mist, blurring everything around them.

Sail that Ship Alone by the Architects- perfect description of what I'm feeling. Or rather what I'm not. The song is repetitive, expressing the same emotion. It remains equal the further in it goes and just quietens out at the end. There is no singing in it, just some haunting noises lingering on. Tinging it with further void and confusion. It feels overall sepulchral and never ending. As though there is nothing that can change the constant descending cavity it is digging.

Anywho, I'm going to read a little now.

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

Empty as a hollow, plastic doll.

Just like a hollow plastic doll, i fall to the floor. I brake. I feel nothing. I don't react. I AM hollow, and nothing makes a difference any more. The cold outside has grown onto me. Into me. It has taken me over, rendering me helpless. Hopeless. The entire world could just collapse. Fall to earth and brake. Shatter like a great blue vase. Though the water in this vase has turned murky green, somewhat whey-like and all its beautiful flowers have died and withered away. Their petals have fallen and lost color. They have become dull and hideous to look at. All because of selfishness and neglect. And so the vase will crash and brake and release awful toxins. Others will pretend to care for a day or so- until something else happens. but what difference does it make to me? I am already unliving. Just like an outsider looking into a fragile fishbowl amazed at how goldfish never realize they are always swimming in the same water. Swimming around in the same circles. But who am i to judge. To open their eyes and make them aware of the vast ever changing lakes?

I am a plastic doll. Veiled. Hollow. Cold.

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

No, i don't want to give this a title or think of any lyrics that go with it.

*Bangs head on keyboard: yhuukljxbkljhxdñlv *

Why.
Can't.
I.
Write.
Anything?
???

I start something but scrap. It's not good enough, or i find it boring or it's just lame. This is lame too. Seriously, but it's a survivor i guess. I need to write. I need to *zvoga*... and i CAN'T!!! this suckssss. Ugh ffs.

*Slams laptop head thingy what ever it is down & storms out of bedrom*
..Fucking hell!

untitled

And you are my muse
my inspiration
when i write
my pink my black my blue
when i draw
my sky
my horizon
broadening my limits
making me go further
try harder
when i sleep
my dream
in my subconscious
when i paint
my color my brushes
My feelings
in patterns
on paper
they splatter
colors
and words
and thoughts
and dreams
my hope
my wake up call

This is how i see it i feel it i want it don't change it. Don't add stops and breaths just read it feel it be it!

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

You're the only song i want to hear..

I looked at him, his eyes stoking a fire so intense it could burn a hole through the sun, which was now positioned in the middle of the sky. Its rays were dividing us, splitting right through the middle of us like hot, freshly sharpened swords. Despite the smile that was gradually coming into place on his lips, his eyes restrained from morphing into a lie and told me of sad tales and worrying circumstances.

I was scared, almost, to peep through the windows of his deep black pupils any longer as they looked back into mine giving me the feeling that he could read me- My soul. My thoughts. My feelings. He reminded me of a song, I will possess your heart. So dark, so moving. Yet so beautiful and caring. The tunes of this song repetitively rang in my head like the church bell's toll on a cold dead day. He was so hard to read and was written different to Shakespeare's yet just as equally poetic and meaningful. Different to that of the east yet equally artistic and different.

He is real but abstract and lights up the room despite his core's darkness.

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

Don't let me drown..

I feel- depressed.

I don't know why. I just want to crawl up into a little hole and cry. Everything sucks at the moment. Malta is shitty as ever. I want to leave. I need to leave. I want to go Edinburgh or Germany..or Belgium. Anywhere is better than here. Three people too many have died. My uncle, Alex's dad, and a friend. The guy that i like definitely likes another girl- i don't know who. Everyone keeps asking what's wrong. All the people apart from the one person i actually feel like talking to. I was about to talk to a friend over facebook chat and just when i said hey, facebook decides to tell me that she's offline. What. The. Fuck? My parents aren't even capable of noticing when i'm upset. No. A priest who barely even knows me has to notice.

Yuck. I sound like freaking emo. I'm not. Know that. I'm also highly against them, but everyone feels upset once in a while. And, like a friend of mine said, Depression is second nature. My stomach is currently hurled into tight tight ball and it feels like a hand in there holding all my food from lunch stuck in my throat. I want to puke. I can't. This girl keeps talking to me on msn adding lol after everything and she's pissing me off big time. She's a friend of mine. She's sweet. I don't feel like her now.

I'm off to blankly stare at a screen which words come out of in co operation with the moving pictures on it.

Peace and Love -- This part was just out habit
Torii xo -- This too.

I spent so much time trying to fix your life that i forgot about mine..

So, I'm currently trying to regain my energy after yesterday's Take Off. I decided to go on facebook and after performing the usual rituals- checking comments, friend requests and the like- i took a quiz which seemed somewhat interesting. It is titled: How do you lie? ..and this is the result:

"You lie with your eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, but you protect your soul to the bitter end. You can control the amount of information your eyes give to people. When you lie, you are very convincing because your eyes seem to agree with your words. You can say so much with very little actual talking. People trust you, even if they shouldn't, but it takes a lot for you to trust anyone. When you gaze into peoples' eyes, it is an intense stare. People often look away because when they look into your eyes, they feel like you know all of there secrets; almost like you can read their minds. However, when you do trust someone enough to show them your soul, they get lost in your eyes and cannot look away. People who lie with their eyes are the most convincing liars.

You lie to protect people from the world, but you also lie to protect yourself. You like to keep the focus on others rather than yourself. At times, your friends will get on the subject of you and realize how little they actually know about you. You are good at slyly changing the subject, but there are people out there who recognize this behavior. These people are both your weakness, and your greatest friends. It takes a very understanding, intelligent person to understand what goes on inside your head. You often will hang out with people who don't quite understand what you are doing because you feel safer knowing no one is inside your head. You, however, are inside everyones' head. You know their feelings and motives and lie to manipulate them into doing the smart thing. You block yourself from others who think like you, but let them inside your head every once in a while, and you will find that it is worth the risk."

I find this result odd, frankly. And the reason for this is that it was actually accurate. Very accurate. And didn't have any bullshit, like most quizzes usually do.

So why don't we fall into the waves?

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

I don't like illusions, i can't see them clearly

School. Tomorrow.

I can't quite tell if i'm looking forward to it or not. I mean, i am. But i'm just not sure if i really want it. I can see for sure that it's going to be messed up. Seriously. The funeral's going to be held on tuesday at 9.15 i start Bio at 10.05, impossible much? Don't want to miss the funeral out of respect, don't want to miss bio since it's my 1st lesson of the year.*Meh* I need to sort out my Systems group before i lose stipend. At least if i change that group to 2.13 i'll have a a friend with me. Ughhh i need to buy books. I still haven't bought any. And i don't know which ones i need to buy. I have this weird eerie feeling about school tomorrow. Like there's something i'm forgetting. It always happens to me before i start school- It's like that monday morning feeling, you know?

I prepared my clothes- no wait, i need a hoodie. Umm my hair is done, i'll have to go over it in the morning though haha. I burnt my elbow -_-' Damn straightners. I need to charge my phone. My music. See that i have everything i need in my bag.

I'm listening to a wicked sick song at the moment. Sick puppies- All the same. I love it.

Anywho. Tiredness is gradually luring me to my bed with that sweet voice it uses. I'm off. There are some things that need to be finished before i hit the sack anywho.

Peace and Love,

Torii xo

When your heart stops beating..

He's gone.

I guess the worst part about being human is making attachments. It's so easy to get attached but we forget that when it's time to let go it hurts. I think us humans are selfish. We don't know what will become of a person after they pass away so we refuse to let go. We keep pressuring them to hold on.

It's unfair.

But there's nothing we can do about it. We're all the same. Even if we say we shouldn't make attachments, things are easier said than done. Especially with relatives.

R.I.P uncle Henry. You were a really amazing person and you will be missed. You already are. Anyways i hope you'll be happier where ever you end up because you deserve it. So, yeah, bye to a seriously siiick person- The good kind of sick.

Much Peace and Love,
Torii xo

By the way, i tried to say..

..that, yes, all my blog posts have titles which are part of lyrics. Don't believe me? Look them up then, retard.

P&L,
Torii xo

With a tear in your eye..

I don't know who to talk to right now. It's a saturday night and everyone is quite rightly out, enjoying it. I'm going write.. i generally manage to write what i feel better anyways.

So i just got back from the hospital. Total breakdown. To top it all up we even have a super serving of irony. My uncle's daughter might go into labor any time soon. So we have someone who's got one leg stuck in a big deep bucket and someone else waiting to come into this shithole of a world. I have come to the conclusion, also, that life is the world's biggest asshole. Fact.

My aunt is just sitting next my uncle. Her eyes are bloodshot. Her lips forced into a permanent, pursed frown. She just keeps holding his hand hoping everything will pass. She doesn't even want to get up from next to him. She loves him so much. She keeps saying how without him she's nothing. How she has no one else. How he's her life. And when she talks you can see all her pain in her face, it's like her eyes just turn into lips and talk out all her feelings. She doesn't even have to speak for her thoughts to show. Elaine got sent home because of her contractions. Maria, Stefan's wife, also left to take care of her baby and walk the dog. She said she'll be back later. Stefan insists on staying there. He's exhausted but he won't let the tiredness get to him. He promised his dad that he'll be there no matter what. He isn't quite the person who breaks promises.

I wonder what's going to happen next,
a late night call, an early morning scare
or a whole week or more of anticipation, hope or despair..

Peace and Love
Torii xo

Please don't tell me that i'm the only one that's vulnerable, impossible..

Life sucks. Period.
This was her point of view.

"Such a great day, today is" she sarcastically said thinking aloud. She felt lost. Entirely. Her hands were shaking out of anxiety. Her body temperature in general lowered. She had a migraine. She lost her appetite, even. The only way she could vent all her emotions was to type. . and her spelling, which was usually impeccable, sucked. She couldn't control any of her actions. All her friends were out, or off to work. Not that she blamed them. It's just that these things are noticed more when one feels the way she was at the time.

Her uncle was in hospital, fighting for his last few breaths. She saw him earlier that day. He looked terrible. Now her eyes began to tear up as she remembered walking up to him. Her aunt telling him that she was there. His eyes gradually opening to look at her and that one little word. "Hi". He even smiled at her, as hard as it may have been. She couldn't help but think of his children. A pregnant daughter, Elaine, who was due to go into labor any time soon. Standing there in her uncle's room she felt such respect for Elaine. She was having contractions but she still sat there by her father's side ignoring her own pain. Elaine had a brother, Stefan. He was standing behind his mother constantly trying to comfort her while making sure that his father was as comfortable as possible. Her heart sank as she tried imagining what she would do in their situation. They were being so strong. And she was standing there with tears streaming down her face. Unable to think. Unable to move. Everything that was happening was irreversable. Nothing could be done to stop it. To change it. Nothing.

She soon found herself staring at her golfish. Their colors clashing with eachother. One black. One orange. They were making funny noises with the water as usual. But today, a sound which was usually relaxing became irritating. Everything felt like a distraction. But there was nothing to get distracted from. All she felt was emptiness. Nothing could cheer her up. She felt so totally and utterly vulnerable. Suddenly her phone started to ring. The tone she usually loved just reversed and made a feeling of hatred arise in her. She picked up the phone and read the message. It was from her mom. The mother that she usually couldn't get along with. She messaging to say sorry for not being there. The girl didn't mind. She wanted her mom to be with her brother in the time when he most needed her there. As she got to the end of the message her eyes fogged up again. She was now imagining what she's do if her brother was stuck in hospital with an oxygen pipe stuck to his mouth. She was very attached to her brother even though he lived about 3hours away by plane. He was one of the few people who understood her. He was also a very big influence to her.

Her stomach randomly squashed up into a little ball again and she felt like hurling everything out. All her emotions. All her feelings. Everthing. But instead she pushed her wheely chair back from the laptop she was typing on. Got up. Found a shirt and put it on. Pulled out a random jumper. Left the room. It was time to go back to the hospital.. Just incase.

She forgot all about what she was typing and --- *Post has been abondoned*

Dedicated to my uncle. I don't know what will happen next but I hope it's for the better..

Peace & Love,
Torii xo

Super­cali­fragi­listic­expi­ali­docious..

Right, so. I haven't blogged in quite a while. Well i haven't posted really. I wrote quite a bit but never bothered posting it as i found it boring after having written it all. Anywho the point of today's blog is Long words..and sadism. How the two mix together? ..I'm getting there.




Hippopotomonstrosesquipdilophobia. How many of you have heard that word? None i bet. This beautiful word was concocted by a Psychiatrist.. a rather sadistic one at that. The point at which this Psychiatrist's invention of this word becomes sadistic is when we get to the meaning behind it. Hippopotomonstrosesquipdilophobia is in fact the phobia of very long words and, quite ironically, it stands to be the longest word in the English language at 36 letters.



Circumbilivagination. Doesn't this one look short in comparison to our previous word? I can already tell that you're probably trying to guess what this word means and the only thing you can come up with is some random wrong meaning due said word's last 10 words. Well, my dear, at 20 letters, Circumbilivagination has no connection what so ever to female genitalia it, in fact, means moving about in a circular motion or merely moving around. I greatly doubt that any of us will randomly walk up to our better half and ask "Would you like to circumbilivaginate with me, kind sir?" but if a word exists, it exists. And there's nothing we can do about it.



This next word is rather interesting. It is FORTY-FIVE letters long and also a disease one can get from coal mining. Drum roll please. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Now doesn't this just look like a lovely word to someone hippopotomonstrosesquipdilophobicly challenged? Yeah. For their sake, this word is never, or at least seldom ever, used and does not count as the English language's longest word. It probably isn't even an actual word.



Entredentolignumologist. When i first read the word, i thought it had to do with dentists. No. Wrong. An entredentolignumologist is actually a person who collects toothpick boxes. Odd really. Even more odd is the fact that a word for someone who collects toothpicks is nonexistent.




Next up. Some places of interest in the US and UK.



Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. This little number is found in the US, and is a Nipmunk name. Strictly speaking it means "You fish on the right side. I fish on the left side. None of us fish in the middle," in Redindian.



Now we can move back Europe, where i can mention the UK's longest-named place. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Yes. and No, it is not pronounceable. Let alone properly legible. This is a little village..and the jumble of words means “St. Mary’s Church in the hollow of the white hazel near to the rapid whirlpool of Llantysilio of the Red Cave.”



Back to phobias. I have three interesting ones i forgot to mention earlier.



This first word is rather short. But it made me laugh. Ecophobia. This is the fear of ones on home. I have come to the conclusion that the Cat-man who constantly invades my town has this phobia. I am pretty sure he has a home but he never seems to be there.



Aichmorhabdophobia. This, George- Yes, my good sir/madam i am calling you George from now on, is a fear of getting beaten by a pointy stick. Why this is the only get-beaten-by-a-stick-phobia is beyond me. I mean, other sticks have feelings too, you know? What happened to equality and anti racism?



And finally. Bathysiderodromophobia. This would be a fear of subways. No. The word subway is not even near mentioned in this word. But, honestly, who cares? It is a long word.. and a phobia. And, George, that is what counts.



I shall now depart and get ready to go to my Ex school in which i must bullshit teens younger than myself into joining Young Enterprise. Woopdifuckingdoo. All the information i inputted here has been researched so, yes, i am serious about these words.



Peace and Love,

Torii xo

Green skies and Black grass..

Here i lie, awake in my bed
I'm rolling around thoughts streaming through my head.
You're what I think about, day in and day out-
Not having you with me makes me want to shout.

So I'll cry and I'll scream again and again,
But I'll let out these feelings through paper and pen.
I sure hope you can hear me, where ever you are;
Since all this writing won't get me that far.

Yet here I still lie, half awake in my bed.
I miss you so much; although now you're dead.
I do really regret not saying goodbye,
And acting as though I've moved on is all just a lie.

So I'll cry and I'll scream again and again,
But I'll let out these feelings through paper and pen.
I sure hope you can hear me, where ever you are;
Since all this writing won't get me that far.

I just want you to know that I find it unfair-
One minute you're with me; the next you're not here.
Memories of you still linger, and run through my head.
I still feel you here with me, but i guess i'm misled.

This was a poem/song which i wrote a couple of years back after my Nannu died. These words hold feelings i still have till today and i guess they're all I have to say for today. You don't know what you've got untill it's gone so don't take things or people forgranted..

To my dearest Nanna and Nannu, who i miss greatly. I'll never forget you or let you go!

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

Love's gonna get you down..

I wanted to write. I was feeling inspired.

I have nothing to say.

..Confused much?

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

We all live in a yellow submarine =)

Change is good, it amuses me. Move things around a little and you can see the world from a whole new angle. That's what i just did.

Today i had a room fit. I woke up and decided that i was going to change my, even if it was just a little, and would not take no for an answer. So, instead of begging my parents for their aproval, which i knew i would definately not get, i did things my way. I tore my whole room down. Moved things. Cleaned. Cleared. Changed. Displaced. Threw away. Folded. Hid. Chucked out. Brought in. And the list can go on. It was somewhat amusing to an extent. And, to be quite frank, i don't know how i managed to move some stuff. Thank God for skateboards i guess =)

I had a pc which i stopped using some time ago and just ripped all the wires off it and quite savagely threw it out of my room. There was also a shoe rack. Yes i had most of my shoes in it but it was bugging me. Just sitting there. In the corner of my eye. So i threw all the shoes off it, lifted it onto my skateboard and rolled it out of my room. Yes. I obstructed the hall. But i don't care my room is more important to me since i can access the other side of the house from the back door in my room. I forced the bed out of it's place and turned it into a vertical direction as opposed to the horizontal direction it was in before. Yes i'll miss having the wall on one side- i fall over easily- but at least i'm happier with my room like this. I also moved around some of the cupboards, but shan't go into the details of that. Now my room even has it's own music corner, small as it may be. I fit the amp and my electric in next to my bed and got a small stool too. Now i don't have to slouch on my bed i'm playing guitar.

Talking about the electric, guitar calls me and i must fullfill my duties of covering paramore, kings of leon and the like on it.

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

Would you lay with me?

If i just lay here, would you lay with me and just forget the world?

What would happen if i just decided to stop. Ignore everything. Forget about the world. Forget about you? Leave everything as it is now. Run away to some quiet place. Lay down. And stare. Do nothing. Say nothing. Hear nothing. I'd just watch as the clouds pass by me. As day turns into night. As the clouded gray sky goes black as the sun sets.
The world would obviously keep spinning. People would still die. Get discriminated against. Go to war. Fight. Get killed. Be brainwashed into believing some conformist bullshit. Your everyday injustices would still keep happening. But then people would still fight for what they believe in. Try to change. Make the world a better place. Sing. Be happy. Enjoy the smallest things. Feel loved. Dance. Act crazy without caring about what everyone thinks. And so on.
And i'd be one of those people. Experiencing both sides of the coin. The good. The bad. And there'd also be the normal. The only difference is that i'd be far away. I wouldn't see anything but the sky and the grass. I wouldn't have to feel pain, sadness, anger or any other feeling likely to occur to living beings.

So, would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

And when it rains it washes everything..

A hot cup of coffee. Toast. Rain gently dropping down outside. Dark, gray clouds casting shadows outside the four walls of my room. The light breeze. I love it. I miss it. It hasn't rained here in such a long time. It's still hot, but the rain is cooling the ground a little so everything is a little more bearable. And hot or not, i WILL go out in hoodie today. Just for the fun of it.

On the other hand-bad news. My dog has cancer. He had this little black thing on his leg and it turned out to be a tumor. He has to undergo major surgery and it's pretty dangerous. The tumor is right over his main blood capillary. Blood capillery gets cut: Pedro dies. I don't think i can handle more any more deaths. It may sound stupid to be so freaked out over a dog, but when you've had him for 7 years it gets hard not to get attached. He's currently lying down next to me. Usually when i see him in the morning he runs up to me wagging his tail and starts licking my hand. Today he stayed in his place, looked at me, looked at his bandage and then back at me again gently placed his head on my hand. He's not stupid. Yes, he steals my food. Hogs up my bed in winter. Steps on my toes without considering how heavy he is -he's half doberman half something else: not fat (: He also talks in his sleep. But, he's not stupid. And he can't die. I couldn't deal with that. At the moment he's dreaming about something. I wonder what. He's moving his forearms and legs as though he were running and he's making these little noises. I hope he gets well soon.

I've been so busy lately that i haven't had time to stop and complain about malta a little. So i guess i can do that now. MALTA SUCKS. Sorry-I just had a childish fit right there. Anywho, the other day i picked up a leaflet that says all the bus numbers, their times, where they go and so on. On the back there was a map of Malta and next to every location there was the bus number which would take you there. 45 was written next to Paradise Bay, and i promised my French friend that we'd go there. We boarded the bus and after 1 hour and a half the fat, hairy driver just says: "Last stop- Cirkewwa" and everyone gets out. So, looking like a retard i walked up to him asking why he isn't going to Paradise Bay. He just says that the bus doesn't go there and that i have to walk it 3 Km up. My question? Why the hell would you say that the bus GOES to Paradise Bay if in reality IT DOESN'T. Can malta get any stupider,I think not. But then again. Malta is racist. Malta has bad roads. Malta does not accept anti-conformity. Malta doesn't care about laws. Example: I thought it was illegal to keep huskies here, so why are there so many. Huskies die in this weather it's not fair on them!!

Ugh. Mood swings suck! First i'm happy. Then I'm Sad. Now I'm angry. And now my mood is going to change again because i'm going to talk about last wednesday. My feelings about wednesday are somewhat ambiguous. I enjoyed it but i didn't but i did. Allow me to elaborate a little. Someone's dancing was somewhat exagerated, to me at least. When you're dancing on a bar hanging on to a pole and guys are looking up skirt because it's so Goddamn short and loose and the guys think you're some kind of whore, I think that's going overboard- Rebound. Yes. Not an excuse. No. I wanted to tell her something but then agauin, friend or not, i felt it was not my place to butt in. Another thing. Going overboard with alcohol. It's stupid. You look stupid. And you do stupid things. Don't do it. Or rather, don't PRETEND you're drunk. It shows that you're not really intoxicated and you tend to look gay. That's another thing certain people did. It's good have fun and there's nothing wrong with getting a little tipsy or happy every now and again. But don't get drunk. It's humilating. One more thing. Pick a boyfriend- Your ex, or the one you're with now? Poor you, I bet it's so hard to choose. Stop flirting with your ex so much, you look stupid and people think you're twotiming. Wat you do in private is up to you and i couldn't care less, but when you make yourself look cheap in public, it's a totally different story. I'm not gong to go into other negative details. Really. I couldn't be bothered.

The nice part about the night was the foam party. Yes, I bruised my elbow and cut it open. But it was fun. My new dress and shoes got drenched- fuck it. I'll put a picture of it, so you can see =)

Well, for now that's it. I can't distract myself by writing any longer,and i'm going to go spoil my dog now. I don't know how much longer i'm going to have him for.

Peace & Love,

Torii xo

Now you're messing with a ..son of bitch =)

It's Summer. It's hot. Global warming is currently at its best. People are switching on airconditioners, fans, staying longer under the shower. School's out for summer- to Alice Cooper. The only thing is there's nothing to do.

God, I wish it California in the 70's. Ah Skating. Flatland. The Zephyr team. Creation of Urethane skateboard wheels. Tony Alva. Ty Page. Stacy P. Jimi Hendrix. Sweet. Pink Floyd. The Ramones. Ah. Sick days those were. People didn't used think twice about things.It was more like Nike- Just do it kinda thing. New music was created. New styles. New fashions. New beliefs. Revolutions. Discoveries.

And what's happening to the world now? Wars, arguments, conformity. People follow eachother blindly. Nothing is new. It's all been done before. Fashion is repeatiing itself, whereas before it was still being created. Music is repeating itself. Even NWOTM- nothing that new. Or different.

If only the world would open her pretty green eyes. Just a little.

Peace and Love,

Torii xo

Do you want to go to the seaside..

Woah. Hangover. I woke up this morning and the taste of the small slice of pizza i ate last night was still lingering. Or clinging annoyingly to my throat rather. I'm currently feeling nauseous still, and it's midnight. I've been like this the whole day. My eyes were hurting. The usual anyway. I'm sure you all know the side effects alcohol leaves on the body. I haven't eaten much today as everything feels extra and like i'm going to just throw it back up.

Anywho. Today Nick and I went to surfside. I love it there. We took photos. Laughed-A lot. Planned stuff. Talked. Listened to the sea crushing violently against the rocks. And even thought we heard thunder. As a great philosopher once said- "Your senses are deceiving you". Tonight there was a kind of role reversal. Nick drank alcohol. I drank a soda. Odd. Ironic. And altogether funny to me. The alcohol taunted me a little but just smelling it made me sick again. I think i'm off it for a while. Strange as it sounds, what i remember the most about last night is what i drank. Yuck. I just read what i posted last night, and i must admit, i feel somewhat ashamed at how badly written it was. It made me laugh though. And i hear that there's nothing better than laughing at yourself. YOU should do it once in a while =) Hell, nobody's perfect, right? We all make mistakes. And it's nice to see that you can really laugh at some of them.

Tiramisú is screaming at the top of lungs at me and asking why i haven't eaten it yet. So i'm off to fulfill my duties =) Haha I feel happy today. Don't know why. What. Or who. But i just am.

My last message for you all..BE! Everything, just BE!

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

Happy birthday to you..

Happy birthday mandy. Thanks for a nice night. I should totally be in bed right now. I think i'm drunk, or tipsy. This doesn't feeel nice at all. And, by the way sorry for all the bad spelling. Well this is what it's like to be me right now:
I'm dizzy, the room is spinning, i'm taking forever to type because i keep messing up all the buttons. I´m talking to myself ( no vic, you're just sorting things out with your subconscious that's all.. -i hope sp at leadt) I'm probably going to wake up in the mornibg abgry at myself for haveign written the shittiest post ever..but you knpw what i don't give two fucks. i'm tired and wan to sleep. my face is numb. m whole body acrtually. i had a nice night met someone i hadn't sen in ages. my eyes are red and soom is spinning . can't move my toe.s. wlow. bluagjn,. think i'm gna pukle soon, fuck it m'hems x'taghmel. jaqq man qatt ma hassejtni hekk. nahseb li xrobt wisq. uqija l'aqwa li i don't puke, my parents down't find out and io'm not depressed or crying. *gets up. tries to walk in straight line. trips and fall over her own feet* what the fuck is wrong with me. aaah. finally a msg from ant. she said rthat all i have to do is lie and it will pass.

i'm going to do that bnow. goon night

peace and love,
torii xo

Let's go drink some beeeer!

Okay, so the other night i was at Farson's Great Beer Festival enjoying a few with my pints with my friends. The pints, well, we drank them with an aim. A goal, if you will. That of getting tee-shirts. Goal- Reached. After that an ethnic local band finally started their show. Tribali. Amazing. Utterly.
While we were acting like hippies, singing along, jumping like retards and having an overall good time, Anthea mentioned something about a post i had previously written 'Slip into the eye of your mind', and i was hoping to share it with you as i think it is a great and suitable ending to the story. Here's what she said & what I had to say about it:

"It's as though the house was built with a little a back room which survived"

Agreed- A chill out room, if you will, where the bricks are relaxed and at peace with what is going on around them. They are aware of the change, and know they can't stop it. So they gradually begin to detach themselves from the house's other bricks as staying with them begins to feel awkward and uncomfortable. It's like when the other bricks come in contact with them, the bricks of the Chill out Room feel as though that space that was filled with peace, is now gradually being filled with concrete causing a horrible feeling. This little chill out room, can feel the burn and heat caused by the fire. Fire spreads and heat travels quickly from one brick to another. But the little room, being so small, manages to defend itself well against the fire and somehow doesn't burn down. It's the only room that manages to survive and all the other bricks that once made up rooms of the house find themselves alone, trying to salvage the last parts of their brick-like relationships.
The back room feels bad for them, but knows that it's probably for the best.

Here's to a great friend, as close as a sister even =)

Peace & Love,
Torii xo

Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon

The sound of a child crying in the background. Doors opening and closing. A gentle voice trying to be of comfort. Distant voices mumbling on coming out from the TV. That's all I can hear at the moment. At the same time my head hurts, and throbs with every extra sound. My stomach keeps cramping for some odd reason. And the heat and dryness outside are slowly getting to me. I'm supposed to be watching a dvd with my students, but, seeing as i'm not in a comic mood, i'm trying to stall taking frequent brakes using my head as an excuse. The thought of having to sit on the sofa with two other people, staring at a TV screen, forcing a smile to appear as though i'm enjoying myself just makes me feel more and more nauseated. I've suddenly taken interest in a book which i bought a short while because i thought the cover looked pretty and, now being halfway through, i'm eager to know the end, though the story is not of much interest to me. I've lost my apetite as an effect of nausea, and my dad was supposed to be cooking a nice special meal this evening. The thought of food..-No!
Just this morning i had an argument with my parents. I swear anyone in the house would have seen fireworks. My dad tried to make peace after half an hour of cold-shoulder saying his usual "Come on- Give me a smile. I can see that smile, you're just trying to hide it!" Jeez, I'm not five anymore. I guess it is sweet though, to a certain extent. But when I'm angry, I'm angry and sweet doesn't quite cut it. Thinking back after arguments like these, I do feel somewhat guilty of taking my parents forgranted. What if something were to happen on their way to work and i never get the chance to say i'm sorry? I know i'd never forgive myself. Some people say, you'll get over it as time passes and understand that they knew you loved them no matter what. But that's not true. I feel guilty for not telling my Granddad and Grandma that I loved them before they died. Okay my grand dad was in a coma, but i know he could hear me. Though my grandma, she was conscious untill the very last second Death came for her in his black cab.. I didn't see her for 3 days, I knew something was going to happen soon and i wanted to see her, but i didn't. And now i have feel this pain and this guilt for the rest of my life. I don't want it to be like that with my parents. Anyway, i don't feel like talking about this anymore. It's depressing me.
I think i'll go continue the gay film, for the 5th time or so.

Tata

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

All of the stars are fading away..

I miss winter. The rain. The cold. The unlimited use of hoodies to keep warm. My quilt. The dull weather. School. Thunderstorms. All things winter anyway.
I look outside my window and I can see the sun shining brightly. I can feel the heat slowly try to creep into my room and lay it's grimy hands on me. The trees aren't even moving as though they're stuck in some of kind coma. And what was once a light breeze, ran away faster than a cheetah running from a hunter. Even it is scared of this heat, so it's given up on trying to save me. Is a little rain too much to ask for?
I guess this is Earth's way of paying us back for all the damage we caused to her once beautiful land and children.These children- the trees, the fruits, the greenery, the herbs and the shrubs- are now disfigured, some of these have even stopped growing. Many are crippled, slowly waning down to the ground which they grew and spurted out of. Everyday they are being poisoned a little more, being fed pesticides, lead and carbon dioxide. They will die. They will eventually kill us with them.
The human race has always been scared of death. Each and every one of us is, whether or not we show it. So why can't we be a little more careful? Treat Earth better. Stop killing her and her little gifts and children. Stop throwing carbon and lead into the air as though they were some disgustingly scented perfume. Stop global warming. Let the temperatures sink back to normal. Let the rain come back and soothe us from this heat. Is that so much to ask for? A little consideration. I don't know..

I guess all i can do now is hope that the clowds will feel bad for us and wash the streets a little.

Untill then

Peace & Love,
Torii xo

Vicious Circle

Ah..i'm currently listening to vicious circle, a reasonably old song by Caliban. All time fave song. I love it. Haven't heard it in ages since it got deleted off my pc and laptop and i can't manage to download it. A friend had told me abt it and got crazy abt it since then. The lyrics have such meaning behind them and the song itself it just amazing. Guitars have a wicked sound in my opinion. Listen to the lyrics properly and you'll actually feel what the person is saying. That, to me, makes a song great. The way the band as a whole portray their feeling and carry it out to the listeners to the extent that they also feel the song not just listen to it.

Hmm my nephew is attempting a butt ollie on my skateboard, but, having the body of the 2 year old that he is, he can't manage. Actually i wonder if anyone had ever manage to ollie on their arse. I'll try to remember to look it up later. I have heard of buss skating tho, my friend and i have gone pro at that, so i think someone must have been smart enough to try and put some physics into action and do it.

I have to go be supertorii- protector of buttskating children- now and save the nephew from crushing his hands under the wheels of the zero skateboard aka Joe =)

Peace and Love
Torii xo

Maggie May

Ah the bedroom, dulce et decorum est. I did enjoy last night very much though. Slept at nick's place, thanks Nick. We cooked, we cleaned, we attempted watching dvds, giulia gave me dreadlocks, we took photos, i held a fake spider for the 1st time in my life, we filmed eachother, my wife who was also there attacked me many a time, we talked, cried of laughter, juped from one mattress to another, tickled nick as hard as we could, listened to music and did some yoga..just to name some things.
Today i went down south to Marsaxlokk..disgusting place. The sea is dirty and full of dead fish and thier guts rather than happy fish swimming peacefully humming a tralalala song. The smell, revolting. The people..let me not go there. Well at least there was one man possibly in his late 70's who was actually quite nice. He was talking to some black men from jamaica and giggling with them about how nice it is there as well as talking about marijuana. I've never seen an old maltese man act unracist. This one was the first. Many of the others were just looking these men up and down giving them evils. I don't get it. We're all human. We're all equal. Why should we treat people differently. The Maltese should be the last to go all racist..we're not exactly white. Most of us at least. Anywho, at least there is one good thing about Marsaxlokk. The restaurants. They're pretty good, some of them. I should hope so at least, as i'm apparently going there for dinner tonight. Wish me luck. I'll tell you how it was later.

Talking about dinner, I'm hungry and this 70's music is inspiring me to do something different. Much respect going out to all of you, from a hungry "hippie"?

Peace & Love
Torii xo

Material world

Sometimes a girl just can't resist..
Today i went shopping. I liked it. I bought a lot. Clothes. Shoes. Accessories. Etc.

The Maltese people are like big group of sheep- don't know how else to describe them. They follow each other blindfoldedly, what one person does some one else will soon follow. I'm not quite sure what this has to do with shopping but i just thought I'd let it out.

My credit card is apparently in pain due to the amount of times it has been swiped, and it also told me that it's drained..entirely. I think it's time i get a job since i don't know how else I'm going to make money. I do, to a certain extent, feel bad that i bought so much. Do i really need all those clothes? I know for sure there are others who need them more than i do. And besides i just spent all my money on something entirely material. But then again, the material shit did bring about something more spiritual- Happiness. Yes the happiness will soon fade, but so does most joy and glee. Apparently I'm starting to look and sound like a hippie- that's what my friends are telling me. I must admit that i do find the style quite appealing at times. The tie die. The relaxedness. The colour. I hate most of the patterns though. I'm not quite a patterns person i guess. Never have been.

Well, my dear people, i must now depart as i need to get ready to go a friend's.

Peace & Love
Torii xo

Place for my head

So, i'm currently sitting here awake in my bed with my laptop sitting in front of me. I'm dead tired but somehow can't seem to fall asleep. What to do? Oh, what to do? Hmm idea..Tea? Not sure anywho..yes i think i might be currently talking to myself about my sleeping problem but i'm sure we can put that aside for now.
Just got back from a gig. A band called Lost Connection was playing down at surfside earlier, and , unless i'm hallucinating, they were still playing when i left. I was quite enjoying it, relaxed listening to music & talking to friends.

The only problem, and here's the pessimistic side of me coming out again, the heat! Malta is just too bloody hot. I mean okay the idiots that painted the walls did them black, which absorbs heat during the day and lets it all out at night..but still it looked pretty. Anyway let's focus on the band again, i liked their music, it was nice. They played a cover of Use Somebody by Kings of Leon, which i couldn't help but sing along to and, correct me if i'm wrong, one of N I N which i absolutely loved. For some odd reason, which is still unknown to me at this early hour, i did not enjoy my beer. Ah talking about beer...
B E E R F E S T. It started today, i didn't go tho. Didn't quite feel up to it. My head hurts and i'm tired and also i had no idea of how to get back. & frankly, provided that i see No Snow/No Alps and Tribali, AND-note the caps lock- get my beer mug i'm happy.

Well i'm done typing for now..my finger's burnt and it told me to finish up..so, okay, i'll shut up now.

Peace & Love
Torii xo

Tree hugger

So today i spent my day on a boat. Out at sea.. well, it is malta we're talking about- out at sea is more like sailing up north for 2 or 3 hours and finally stopping. But anwho, it was quite nice i must admit. Saw some dolphins..it was pretty cool really, never seen them in malta before. We stopped at comino for a while before going back home, and it was pretty beautiful. It's great to see somewhere uninhabited where the sea is turqiose and you can see the sand at the bottom, and your eyes don't hurt when you open them underwater.
Wow i'm sounding pretty positive today..all the comino water must have gotten to my head..Ooh no wait!
-NEGATIVE PART -
We were at the beach, which was wayyyy overcrowded, and suddenly this beautiful black snake slithers calmly into the water minding it's own business. There were some spanish people next to it and the girls just freaked. They were all screaming and shouting, acting like it's the end of the world, you get my drift. So, the guys acting like muchos pick up a stick and were actually going to try killing it!! WTF?! you don't do these things people. Firstly it's not your island, it's malta's and Secondly- IT'S NOT YOUR ISLAND! The snake was there first! Gah..

Anywho, my veggie dinner is calling me.

Peace and Love
Torii xo

Fake plastic trees.

Good ..midnight?
I've recently found myself grumbling on about how fake and artificial people can be. I mean why should you say something you don't mean? Act like someone you're not? Wear a skin that's not yours? and put on a mask which covers your face and true inner beauty? I believe that everyone can in some twisted way be beautiful, and i know for a fact that there is only one of each person. No one else can be like this person, no matter how hard they try. They could undergo surgery or be an identical twin..but no one is the same. The problem in this case arises when people try to act the same, look the same, talk the same- you get my drift. And said problem goes by the name of conformity.
This so called conformity has started to affect some acquaintances and i can see it eating at them bit by bit. The worst part is how unaware they are of what is going on. They feel some kind of change but deny it. They secretly like it. They want to be part of it. Change is good, but changing into someone you're not isn't. So here's to radio head for writing such good songs..

Peace & Love
Torii xo

Fascination..

Hmm this is from an app on Facebook, it calculated my life lol

I've been living for:
- 16 years
- 202 months
- 6,148 days
- 147,558 hours
- 8,853,487 minutes
- 531,209,236 seconds

and My heart has beaten more than 619,744,090 times

..n o t t h a t a n y o n e ' s i n t e r e s t e d
P e a c e a n d L o v e
T o r i i x o

I write sins not tragedies..or is it the opposite?

Yes I am currently titling my posts with names of songs..
Anywho, I just have more thing to say before I abondon the blog for a short, possibly sleepless night.
This has to do with my previous post "Slip into the eye of your mind". Yes, the house burned down completely, the stoned eroded. Changed. Some even deteriorated completely. And there is now nothing left of it but memories of the past. Some beautiful. Some sad.

Peace & Love..and g o o d n i g h t =)
Torii xo

Slip inside the eye of your mind..

What do you see?

Currenlty i see a house burning down to the ground.

It's falling to pieces and no one can stop it,

or slow it down.

The last little pieces can't be saved, as all they are is abstract, pretenseful and fake. They're all a fragment of the imagination cooked up by the mind. Everyone knew the fire would come around some time soon, and the summer's heat clearly wouldn't help prevent it. But let's go back into the past, when the house was still being built, as for there to be an end, there must be some form of beginning.

Many bricks were brought together, all cut out from the same quarry but each one had a different story to tell, a different size, shape and meaning to the house. There were ones which formed the base and foundation and others built up into the centre, while the most recent ones settled down at the top. The house was fixed steadily and was warm and welcoming, it had it's little problems here and there but nothing that couldn't be fixed.

Eventually a time came when the house had to be moved, and during the uprooting many of the bricks fell out, finding themselves in new loactions. The foundations weren't the same for long and the few orignal bricks couldn't quite face the fact that they were now more alone. Soon new bricks were added so as to try and replace the old ones, but all they did was create negative reactions which no one would speak up about. The old bricks were missed, the new ones were being forced to fit in. Everything was being done in a conformist, materialistic manner, all trust was lost and the bricks were painted over so as to look as though they worked well together. Extra furniture was added, curtains and carpets to cover up the little messes here and there but yet the house was not the same. Eventually some of the bricks couldn't take it anymore and tried to back out but their movement somehow set off a light fire. The other bricks tried to move away from it and act like there was nothing wrong but this just provided more of a possibility for the fire to spread. And it did. Everything soon caught fire, leading to the present. The end. The heat is only making it worse. Not even the world's greatest fire engine can save this house..but who knows. Will the fire cool down by itself? Or will it keep burning untill all the artificial pieces of furniture, carpet and curtain have been burnt down completely leaving nothing but hurt to some?

The latter makes more sense to me. I know most of you won't understand it.. but read it with an open mind and you might get a glimpse of what it's all about. Well, at least i got that off my chest whether or not you get what it's about.

Untill next time,

Peace and Love

Torii xo

I think we have an emergency..

..and that would be M a l t a . That's right, the friendly little island in the middle of the Mediterranean, found just below Sicily. The perfect holiday location for party people from around the world.. The thing is, w h a t a b o u t l o c a l s ?

I for one can't take it anymore over here. It's small. It's overcrowded. There's nothing to do.

Nowhere to go. You can sight see the whole bloody country in a day! The c o n f o r m i t y is insane, in a stupid people-please-open-your-minds kind of way. You can't do anything without people frowning down on you in some kind of way, or finding something wrong about what you're doing. It's summer at the moment and temperatures are reaching 4 0 d e g r e e s c e l c i u s. I don't know what i'm going to do.. i passed all my exams so there's nothing to study, and even if..i'm not up to it at the moment. It's too hot to just stroll around and i'm currently sunburnt so the sunny beach doesn't seem like the best idea.

I very much miss going to the skatepark, but going during the day is begging to be turned into a l i t t l e c h o c o l a t e m u f f i n ( <>

Ooooh on the hand *tries to think happy thoughts* the luna park just came to malta. I wanna go i wanna go haha. It looks like fun, and it definately beats all my other "social" options ( going clubbing, chatting online/facebook/myspace, sitting in a bar discussing total bullshit, etc..). My friends and i usually go and enjoy it so it could be cool to check it out for old time's sake.. but anywho, for more happy stuff i'm going to make another blog.

Another problem in malta, the R O A D S ! I hate the roads here..no bike lanes- and, let's be frank, barely any decent pedestrian lanes- many of the roads are full of holes, they're completely polluted and there's no form discipline. Drivers are insane, people don't give two shits about road signs, traffic lights. I mean, why can't we just straighten out the roads, eliminate the pavement from one side , since roads are narrow and there are pavements on both sides (hallo?common sense?), change the eliminated pavement into a bike lane and fix up the other semi-deterioated pavement??

Oh well, That's all of my rubbish complaining for now which i'm sure no one really cares about seeing as it's coming out of the mouth a 17 year old girl who has nothing better to do at the moment than notice how gay the island i grew up on really is.

Peace and Love,

Torii xo