Dead March

I haven't written in quite a while now, so I thought I'd update the page with some more of my pessimism. Wohoo.

I don't know what's wrong me, I'm just feeling angry all the time. Just as though there's someone whispering cold words into my soul, taking my feelings and emotions out of me and just freezing them. Replacing everything with anger. With nothingness. Any form of 'happiness' is just fading off, withering away and turning to nonexistence. I miss being young, when nothing would bother me and everything made me happy. And the happiness would remain. Nothing could take it away. But now my mind is full of thought. And reasons. And questions. And little unnecessary details. And my soul is hollow.

Malta sickens me. The people around me do too. And i feel like there is no point or sense in certain things. But here i am ranting on and not doing anything about it. The fact is i tried. Nothing works. Nothing changes my mood. My feelings. I need to leave, get away from everything. Everyone. The people who crowd my mind and the thoughts that form a thick mist, blurring everything around them.

Sail that Ship Alone by the Architects- perfect description of what I'm feeling. Or rather what I'm not. The song is repetitive, expressing the same emotion. It remains equal the further in it goes and just quietens out at the end. There is no singing in it, just some haunting noises lingering on. Tinging it with further void and confusion. It feels overall sepulchral and never ending. As though there is nothing that can change the constant descending cavity it is digging.

Anywho, I'm going to read a little now.

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

Empty as a hollow, plastic doll.

Just like a hollow plastic doll, i fall to the floor. I brake. I feel nothing. I don't react. I AM hollow, and nothing makes a difference any more. The cold outside has grown onto me. Into me. It has taken me over, rendering me helpless. Hopeless. The entire world could just collapse. Fall to earth and brake. Shatter like a great blue vase. Though the water in this vase has turned murky green, somewhat whey-like and all its beautiful flowers have died and withered away. Their petals have fallen and lost color. They have become dull and hideous to look at. All because of selfishness and neglect. And so the vase will crash and brake and release awful toxins. Others will pretend to care for a day or so- until something else happens. but what difference does it make to me? I am already unliving. Just like an outsider looking into a fragile fishbowl amazed at how goldfish never realize they are always swimming in the same water. Swimming around in the same circles. But who am i to judge. To open their eyes and make them aware of the vast ever changing lakes?

I am a plastic doll. Veiled. Hollow. Cold.

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

No, i don't want to give this a title or think of any lyrics that go with it.

*Bangs head on keyboard: yhuukljxbkljhxdñlv *

Why.
Can't.
I.
Write.
Anything?
???

I start something but scrap. It's not good enough, or i find it boring or it's just lame. This is lame too. Seriously, but it's a survivor i guess. I need to write. I need to *zvoga*... and i CAN'T!!! this suckssss. Ugh ffs.

*Slams laptop head thingy what ever it is down & storms out of bedrom*
..Fucking hell!

untitled

And you are my muse
my inspiration
when i write
my pink my black my blue
when i draw
my sky
my horizon
broadening my limits
making me go further
try harder
when i sleep
my dream
in my subconscious
when i paint
my color my brushes
My feelings
in patterns
on paper
they splatter
colors
and words
and thoughts
and dreams
my hope
my wake up call

This is how i see it i feel it i want it don't change it. Don't add stops and breaths just read it feel it be it!

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

You're the only song i want to hear..

I looked at him, his eyes stoking a fire so intense it could burn a hole through the sun, which was now positioned in the middle of the sky. Its rays were dividing us, splitting right through the middle of us like hot, freshly sharpened swords. Despite the smile that was gradually coming into place on his lips, his eyes restrained from morphing into a lie and told me of sad tales and worrying circumstances.

I was scared, almost, to peep through the windows of his deep black pupils any longer as they looked back into mine giving me the feeling that he could read me- My soul. My thoughts. My feelings. He reminded me of a song, I will possess your heart. So dark, so moving. Yet so beautiful and caring. The tunes of this song repetitively rang in my head like the church bell's toll on a cold dead day. He was so hard to read and was written different to Shakespeare's yet just as equally poetic and meaningful. Different to that of the east yet equally artistic and different.

He is real but abstract and lights up the room despite his core's darkness.

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

Don't let me drown..

I feel- depressed.

I don't know why. I just want to crawl up into a little hole and cry. Everything sucks at the moment. Malta is shitty as ever. I want to leave. I need to leave. I want to go Edinburgh or Germany..or Belgium. Anywhere is better than here. Three people too many have died. My uncle, Alex's dad, and a friend. The guy that i like definitely likes another girl- i don't know who. Everyone keeps asking what's wrong. All the people apart from the one person i actually feel like talking to. I was about to talk to a friend over facebook chat and just when i said hey, facebook decides to tell me that she's offline. What. The. Fuck? My parents aren't even capable of noticing when i'm upset. No. A priest who barely even knows me has to notice.

Yuck. I sound like freaking emo. I'm not. Know that. I'm also highly against them, but everyone feels upset once in a while. And, like a friend of mine said, Depression is second nature. My stomach is currently hurled into tight tight ball and it feels like a hand in there holding all my food from lunch stuck in my throat. I want to puke. I can't. This girl keeps talking to me on msn adding lol after everything and she's pissing me off big time. She's a friend of mine. She's sweet. I don't feel like her now.

I'm off to blankly stare at a screen which words come out of in co operation with the moving pictures on it.

Peace and Love -- This part was just out habit
Torii xo -- This too.

I spent so much time trying to fix your life that i forgot about mine..

So, I'm currently trying to regain my energy after yesterday's Take Off. I decided to go on facebook and after performing the usual rituals- checking comments, friend requests and the like- i took a quiz which seemed somewhat interesting. It is titled: How do you lie? ..and this is the result:

"You lie with your eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, but you protect your soul to the bitter end. You can control the amount of information your eyes give to people. When you lie, you are very convincing because your eyes seem to agree with your words. You can say so much with very little actual talking. People trust you, even if they shouldn't, but it takes a lot for you to trust anyone. When you gaze into peoples' eyes, it is an intense stare. People often look away because when they look into your eyes, they feel like you know all of there secrets; almost like you can read their minds. However, when you do trust someone enough to show them your soul, they get lost in your eyes and cannot look away. People who lie with their eyes are the most convincing liars.

You lie to protect people from the world, but you also lie to protect yourself. You like to keep the focus on others rather than yourself. At times, your friends will get on the subject of you and realize how little they actually know about you. You are good at slyly changing the subject, but there are people out there who recognize this behavior. These people are both your weakness, and your greatest friends. It takes a very understanding, intelligent person to understand what goes on inside your head. You often will hang out with people who don't quite understand what you are doing because you feel safer knowing no one is inside your head. You, however, are inside everyones' head. You know their feelings and motives and lie to manipulate them into doing the smart thing. You block yourself from others who think like you, but let them inside your head every once in a while, and you will find that it is worth the risk."

I find this result odd, frankly. And the reason for this is that it was actually accurate. Very accurate. And didn't have any bullshit, like most quizzes usually do.

So why don't we fall into the waves?

Peace and Love,
Torii xo