I don't care that you care that i don't care about what you care about.

I'm not joking.
And you don't make me laugh.
You barely make me smile,
I have to force one out.
So stop going on about your crap.
I'm not interested.
I don't care how you feel-
This is how i feel.
Deal with it.
Get over it.
I don't care about what you care about.
I'm not interested in what you say.
Stop faking everything-
Learn to be you.
Or at least learn who 'you' is.
Yes, 'is' not 'are' as it's a state of being.
Just shut up in general.
And leave me alone.
Honestly.

I just thought you should know that.

Peace and love,
Torii xo.

Ps. if you really don't get anything i said, just look up the color green. That's why i used it.

Dead March

I haven't written in quite a while now, so I thought I'd update the page with some more of my pessimism. Wohoo.

I don't know what's wrong me, I'm just feeling angry all the time. Just as though there's someone whispering cold words into my soul, taking my feelings and emotions out of me and just freezing them. Replacing everything with anger. With nothingness. Any form of 'happiness' is just fading off, withering away and turning to nonexistence. I miss being young, when nothing would bother me and everything made me happy. And the happiness would remain. Nothing could take it away. But now my mind is full of thought. And reasons. And questions. And little unnecessary details. And my soul is hollow.

Malta sickens me. The people around me do too. And i feel like there is no point or sense in certain things. But here i am ranting on and not doing anything about it. The fact is i tried. Nothing works. Nothing changes my mood. My feelings. I need to leave, get away from everything. Everyone. The people who crowd my mind and the thoughts that form a thick mist, blurring everything around them.

Sail that Ship Alone by the Architects- perfect description of what I'm feeling. Or rather what I'm not. The song is repetitive, expressing the same emotion. It remains equal the further in it goes and just quietens out at the end. There is no singing in it, just some haunting noises lingering on. Tinging it with further void and confusion. It feels overall sepulchral and never ending. As though there is nothing that can change the constant descending cavity it is digging.

Anywho, I'm going to read a little now.

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

Empty as a hollow, plastic doll.

Just like a hollow plastic doll, i fall to the floor. I brake. I feel nothing. I don't react. I AM hollow, and nothing makes a difference any more. The cold outside has grown onto me. Into me. It has taken me over, rendering me helpless. Hopeless. The entire world could just collapse. Fall to earth and brake. Shatter like a great blue vase. Though the water in this vase has turned murky green, somewhat whey-like and all its beautiful flowers have died and withered away. Their petals have fallen and lost color. They have become dull and hideous to look at. All because of selfishness and neglect. And so the vase will crash and brake and release awful toxins. Others will pretend to care for a day or so- until something else happens. but what difference does it make to me? I am already unliving. Just like an outsider looking into a fragile fishbowl amazed at how goldfish never realize they are always swimming in the same water. Swimming around in the same circles. But who am i to judge. To open their eyes and make them aware of the vast ever changing lakes?

I am a plastic doll. Veiled. Hollow. Cold.

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

No, i don't want to give this a title or think of any lyrics that go with it.

*Bangs head on keyboard: yhuukljxbkljhxdñlv *

Why.
Can't.
I.
Write.
Anything?
???

I start something but scrap. It's not good enough, or i find it boring or it's just lame. This is lame too. Seriously, but it's a survivor i guess. I need to write. I need to *zvoga*... and i CAN'T!!! this suckssss. Ugh ffs.

*Slams laptop head thingy what ever it is down & storms out of bedrom*
..Fucking hell!

untitled

And you are my muse
my inspiration
when i write
my pink my black my blue
when i draw
my sky
my horizon
broadening my limits
making me go further
try harder
when i sleep
my dream
in my subconscious
when i paint
my color my brushes
My feelings
in patterns
on paper
they splatter
colors
and words
and thoughts
and dreams
my hope
my wake up call

This is how i see it i feel it i want it don't change it. Don't add stops and breaths just read it feel it be it!

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

You're the only song i want to hear..

I looked at him, his eyes stoking a fire so intense it could burn a hole through the sun, which was now positioned in the middle of the sky. Its rays were dividing us, splitting right through the middle of us like hot, freshly sharpened swords. Despite the smile that was gradually coming into place on his lips, his eyes restrained from morphing into a lie and told me of sad tales and worrying circumstances.

I was scared, almost, to peep through the windows of his deep black pupils any longer as they looked back into mine giving me the feeling that he could read me- My soul. My thoughts. My feelings. He reminded me of a song, I will possess your heart. So dark, so moving. Yet so beautiful and caring. The tunes of this song repetitively rang in my head like the church bell's toll on a cold dead day. He was so hard to read and was written different to Shakespeare's yet just as equally poetic and meaningful. Different to that of the east yet equally artistic and different.

He is real but abstract and lights up the room despite his core's darkness.

Peace and Love,
Torii xo

Don't let me drown..

I feel- depressed.

I don't know why. I just want to crawl up into a little hole and cry. Everything sucks at the moment. Malta is shitty as ever. I want to leave. I need to leave. I want to go Edinburgh or Germany..or Belgium. Anywhere is better than here. Three people too many have died. My uncle, Alex's dad, and a friend. The guy that i like definitely likes another girl- i don't know who. Everyone keeps asking what's wrong. All the people apart from the one person i actually feel like talking to. I was about to talk to a friend over facebook chat and just when i said hey, facebook decides to tell me that she's offline. What. The. Fuck? My parents aren't even capable of noticing when i'm upset. No. A priest who barely even knows me has to notice.

Yuck. I sound like freaking emo. I'm not. Know that. I'm also highly against them, but everyone feels upset once in a while. And, like a friend of mine said, Depression is second nature. My stomach is currently hurled into tight tight ball and it feels like a hand in there holding all my food from lunch stuck in my throat. I want to puke. I can't. This girl keeps talking to me on msn adding lol after everything and she's pissing me off big time. She's a friend of mine. She's sweet. I don't feel like her now.

I'm off to blankly stare at a screen which words come out of in co operation with the moving pictures on it.

Peace and Love -- This part was just out habit
Torii xo -- This too.